Gone.

From November 30th:

Woke up this morning from another dream that left me feeling disillusioned and fractured. Another in a recent series of 'what the fuck was that'? dreams. Not bad dreams, not nightmares just the mind dredging up the deepest murkiest levels of the subconscious. Like the peeling away of layer after layer of the things your trying to figure out and understand, getting closer and closer to the core. Impending possible complete emotional collapse, physical turmoil and all the ends that I'm trying to make meet frayed and fucked up and the solutions (?) buried deep in the matter in my skull.

After writing down some brief notes before all the details fade away I get up to another grey day, still wondering how I'm going to pay rent, not to mention all the other bills. I have things to do and have to put some of that aside for a moment. After getting myself going on coffee and nothing else, I do some work on the film for the show tomorrow night, hoping and hoping that my hardrive won't fucking crash as I render the footage. Already ran into problems with the inserts, no copy shop would put the paper I had through a laser printer so i had to go with the inkjet and after cutting, trimming and assembling everything realized the ink hadn't cured properly and I was progressively rubbing it away.

Everything is going to be changing soon. I've played the possible futures over and over in my head, wondering and hoping and fearing what it'll be. It's almost as if I've already put myself through what hasn't even happened yet but fully knowing that no matter what the walls will fall and the impact will be no less no matter what I do beforehand.

Now:

The traces of you are everywhere. I follow them over and over. Every step I use to make is now different. Empty and hollow. Have we let go? Suddenly everything becomes meaningless. There are no suitable words. I'm left in what we had and the ghosts roam the hallways.